“It’s like the spirit answered all of my prayers, and now I resent him for it. Well, I used to take so much time for myself to just sit and be silent. I haven’t heard that sound in years, but I’ve replaced it with a lot of voices that claimed to be god.” – Levi Macallister
Recently, I’ve been in a funk. I’ve seen so much hatred and bitterness in the past few months that it sickens me. Worse, it has overtaken me.
I’ve been asked lately why I’ve been so quiet, so kept to myself, so unresponsive. At first, I didn’t know how to answer because I didn’t even know what was wrong. I had been searching in all the wrong places and asking all the wrong people. The more I searched, the more resentment I had. The more bitter I became. The quieter I got. It wasn’t depression that I had been feeling, no, this was something totally different. Perhaps, no feeling at all. But, it didn’t hit me out of anywhere, either. It was a gradual on-going process that I can’t really put my finger on a specific date.
I started praying that God would reveal something to me, that He would show me a clue on what and why things felt so differently.
Then on November 6th, I saw that a speaker that I look up to, Levi The Poet, was coming out with a new album and the first song that came out was Resentment. The lyrics instantly spoke to me, ironically.
I realized I had so many false idols lined up in front of me and that I had been listening to these voices subconsciously. Honestly, I hadn’t taken time for just God and myself to talk. I had talked to God but I never really said anything. I heard Him speak, but I never really listened to a word He had said. When I realized this, I wish I hadn’t prayed this prayer because I finally knew what the problem was.
I didn’t like the answer.
So, I resented asking the question. I resented God showing me the answer. And then I started resenting the people I had surrounded and not surrounded myself with. I was even more bitter than before.
When Levi’s full album came out, Seasons , another song jumped out at me. Dear Pianist become a song stuck on replay for a solid week. It really helped me cope with some of the negative feelings I had. But even more than that, it helped realize a key thing that was missing: I had stopped writing.
Writing helps me cope with whatever I’m dealing with. I can vent out my feelings. It can be one word or an unfiltered 5 pages of my feelings. It’s almost like writing a letter to God when you don’t feel like speaking. The best part is that it doesn’t even have to flow or make any sense (as the best writings don’t).
With the flood of keeping up with my harder classes, semester exams, fitting in with my core group of friends, and other personal issues, I didn’t have a way out. I couldn’t write anything because I had zero inspiration. I fully understood what writer’s block felt like. But after listening to a Christian speaker, endless questions, and seeking answers to my own questions, writing this blog post right now has already helped me feel a lot better. With the new year coming up in about a week, I feel as if it was perfect timing (God’s timing is always perfect) to end a pretty good 2012 and have a fresh, new start as 2013 rolls in.
If I haven’t bored you and are still reading this, I have a challenge for you today:
Is there anything you’re feeling resentment towards or feeling bitter about or just haven’t found the answers to all of your problems? If so, (and I think I can almost guarantee there are) how about opening a journal or any piece of paper and write down all of your worries and questions and things you are thankful for and read it aloud. (This may or may not be me challenging you to pray to God 😉 ) and just reflect. I know it definitely helped me.
Thanks for reading, Resentment!